A Different Kind of Holiday Grief: How to Navigate the Season When You Long for Children
In the midst of the festive lights and joyful gatherings, the holidays can be a challenging time for many of us. During this time of year, we often think about and hold space for individuals who have lost loved ones. But the silent grief of women who desire children but don’t have them often goes unnoticed. The circumstances for why women are childless vary as widely as the women themselves. Some, either alone or within their romantic partnerships, have tried to have children but experience infertility, or are contending with health conditions that have ended their prospects of having children altogether. Some women wanted love first, then marriage, and finally the baby—but love never showed up or it didn’t last. Or perhaps they found their person but the timing of when they arrived and their biological clocks didn’t align. What binds these examples is the desire to have biological children is unfilled.
I’m one of these women. When it comes to the holidays, Christmas is always a bit challenging for me, reminding me that I do not have children. In the past, as the Christmas season approached, I would often feel inexplicable sadness. Looking back now, I know that what I was experiencing was grief from a dream unfilled. However, as a developmental psychologist who studies sexual and reproductive health, social relationships, and behavioral health, I’ve been able to draw on my research and knowledge to find my own version of peace and joy this time of year. Whether you share this experience or want to support those in your life who are childless by circumstance, these three tips may help you to navigate the emotional challenges of the holiday season.
Notice and honor your feelings. As the holiday season approaches, women who do not have children but desire them may feel emotions like sadness, anger, and disappointment. Instead of ignoring these emotions or feeling ashamed of or guilty for having them, you can simply honor them. The day after Halloween, I went to a department store and they were playing Christmas music. And for the briefest moment, I felt a tinge of sadness. Instead of trying to push down the feeling that was arising within me, as I have sometimes done in the past, I simply allowed myself to notice this feeling, feel it, and breathe through it. Instead of judging the feeling, I became curious about the thoughts that came to mind as this feeling was surfacing. And the sadness seemed to subside more quickly. As we acknowledge and validate how we feel, the more these emotions can move through us.
Just as you can notice the more difficult feelings that may be surface, it is equally important to also feel and honor feelings like joy, happiness, and, contentment which may also arise during this time. Take time to fully take in the current moment and the feeling. You can even offer a word gratitude for the moment. When we honor all our feelings, we honor the fullness of our humanness.
Center Your Joy. For some people, finding joy during the holidays can be tough. Therefore, you may have to be even more intentional about creating it. A few weeks before Christmas I ask myself “What would bring me the most joy on this day?” Then, I list everything that comes to mind, ultimately selecting the things that speak most to my spirit. One year I stayed home and ate all my favorite foods while binge-watching movies. Another year, I took myself to a spa and sat in a heated pool that overlooked the New York City skyline and laughed with other spa guests. Some years, I spend time with a romantic partner or with friends who are my chosen family. And, sometimes, I go back home and spend the day with family. While the plans vary from year to year, the thing that remains constant is that I design the day from the intention of feeling joyous. And when I do that, whatever I decide to do is perfect.
Sometimes you may not be in a position to take a whole day to do the thing(s) that bring you joy. But research suggests that even taking time to do small things, or micro-acts, can bring about abundant joy. Whether sitting with a cup of coffee or tea and watching the sunrise, taking a long bath or shower, or going for a run while listening to favorite playlist, these small, simple activities can help to brighten your holiday season.
Give Yourself Grace and Space to Change Your Mind. While you may have an idea of how you want to spend the holidays, it is also helpful to have some back-up options. I have learned from experience that how I feel several weeks, or even several days, before Christmas may be different than how I feel the day of Christmas. Instead of sticking with the plan you created, allow yourself to make a new decision that best honors what you need in that moment. One Christmas I planned to attend a Philadelphia Eagles game. Several days before Christmas, the idea of seeing the Birds play in Philly on Christmas brought me joy. But about two hours before I was set to drive down to Philly, attending the Eagles game by myself didn’t feel joyful anymore—it felt lonely. And feeling lonely was the last thing that I wanted to feel on that day. So, I pivoted. Unapologetically. I still went to Philly but instead of going to the game, I spent the day with a good girlfriend and her family. I still watched the Birds play but now I watched on the couch, in the warmth of my friend’s home, snuggling with her three little kids who love me dearly. And that felt good to my soul. Luckily, I hadn’t actually bought tickets to the game (one of the perks of a holiday game is that you can often find available tickets even hours before game time). But even if I had, I would have still been ok with pivoting—that is a cost that I am willing to pay for my peace and happiness.
One reason that I was able to so easily pivot from going to the game to spending time with my friend and her family was because I have been open with her about some of the challenges of the holidays for me. Every Christmas she invites me to dinner with her family. But because she knows that this can sometimes be a tough season for me, she gives me an open invitation. The flexibility of being able to make a last-minute decision regarding whether to go to dinner, or not go, without pressure or obligation is something that I have learned that I need and am grateful for. When you can communicate openly and honestly about what you are going through and what you need, your loved ones are better positioned to support you during this time. Research also suggests that being vulnerable in this way can strengthen your bond and connection with your loved ones.
As you navigate the holiday season, take time to find the practices that best support you and your well-being.